The Teen Choice Awards opens with old people doing a medley of songs from HSM. It is mildly, vaguely funny. Actually funny is the look on Zac's face when they stuck a camera one inch from his nose -- "This bit is lame. Please move that out of my face. If I pretend to smile will you move that out of my face? See, I'm smiling, I swear. Please, please go away." To be fair, he's been more than a little bit stalked lately -- there are paparazzi shots of him today pumping gas, and the look on his face is sheer "SERIOUSLY? I AM PUMPING GAS. GO AWAY." (Even better on JustJared is the news that Tizz's boyfriend is going to be in a boy band called THE FACTORY!! I am all a-twitter!)
Nick Cannon introduces the big stars. "We have Jessica Alba in the house!" [Shrieks.] "We have Zac Efron in the house!" [Deafening shrieks. Zac makes a mildly terrified face and bites his lip. Is it even remotely possible he doesn't know that he's Zac Efron?] "We have Miley Cyrus in the house! HANNAH MONTANA! I'M A FAN!" [Shrieks.] Y'all, I totally forgot Nick cannon was on Nickelodeon!
Shia looks awful. Plus, his name is pronounced "SHAY," The Rock.
I understand that there is no actual cred to the TCA's, but I wish Neil Patrick Harris had won. Also, I wish kids got the joke that Steve Carrel just made.
I didn't think it was possible, but Shia is less articulate than Zef.
AIMEE TEAGARDEN! HI AIMEEEEEEE! (ps, Taylor Kitch is going to be there later. FOR THE WIN!)
Is nowhere on Earth safe from the Jonas Brothers? Sweet niblets. That one Jonas Brother is wearing a bandanna. Or a neckerchief. Or... something. Wow, Miley is not shy at ALL. (If "hit it shawty" wins I will hurt someone.) Thank god for Sean Kingston.
I had no idea Sum 41 were still a band! Wow! Hi, Sum 41! PS -- it's pronounced TimBAland. Dude, he just introduced Avril as "Mrs. Wembley." (Who thinks he was only invited because she insisted?) This song just NEVER gets ANY BETTER. Avril is a bad singer and a terrible yeller.
Shut the front door: it's Jared Padalecki. This time he didn't bring Jensen. (The camera finds Zef. Zef is so boooored.) I'm sorry, is Zac wearing a VEST? Vanessa! TALK TO HIM. Aww, Vanessa is pretty cute. I love how Zac seems mildly surprised that they scream when he tries to talk.
Choice Hottie is gender-neutral. Awesome. The little girls are just crying and crying. And Zac still can't talk for all the screaming and crying.
I love Kelly. Kelly Clarkson rules. Her dress is kind of weird, but hey, she's not dressed like a waiter (Zac).
Michael Cera should always get this much love. Because he's so darned cute. He just couldn't be any cuter talking about Justin.
Wow, Justin really is super hot. Super duper duper hot. I haven't seen the tiny, be-afroed Justin since he was an actual baby! Plus, I totally forgot that Lance gave him the hottie award one year. Zac, pay attention please. See how Justin manages to be charming and funny and make fun of himself without being an ass? (And then David Spade and Seacrest discuss how hot Zef is. What's it like to be a national punchline, kid?)
This Jason Lee and Justin Long joke is going on for a really, really long time. Please explain to me what anyone finds funny about Dane Cook. I would love to know.
I'm old. What's a choice v-cast?
Snoop dogg? WHAT IS HAPPENING? GET THESE KIDS OFF MY LAWN!
Remember last year when a totally stoned Johnny Depp showed up, apparently by accident? That was kick-ass.
Zac, your outro was fine until you did that "gangster" hand thing. YOU ARE SO WHITE PLEASE PLEASE STOP THAT.
Ludacris is two feet tall. Hi, Luda. And another HSM joke! Is Zac gone? There's no reaction shot.
HI TAYLOR KITCH!! HI ADRIENNE PALICKI! YOU ARE SO HOT I LOVE YOU! Plus, ANOTHER Zac Efron joke! I really think Zac is gone, y'all.
Hairspray wins and Nikki doesn't get to go up? Fuck you, John Travolta. (We have no shots of Zac in the audience; I wondered if he'd left a while ago. I suspect he is drunk somewhere weeping about how everyone mocks him.) Oh, okay, Nikki and Elijah get to go up, and that's nice. But I can't believe they let Zac leave when his movie won! (No, it's not his movie. But all the kids who voted for Hairspray sure weren't voting for John Travolta.)
Party like a rockstar. The end.